Greendale Welcomes Newest, Youngest Faculty Member: Dougie Howard

Dean Pelton announced that the Numerology and Statistics Department would be getting a new faculty member; recent MIT (Montana Institute of Technology) doctoral graduate Dougie Howard. "Professor Howard brings star power and pizzazz to the Numerology and Statistics Department and to Greendale as a whole." Professor Howard is a mild celebrity for being the youngest doctoral graduate in U.S. History at age 5. Howard graduated from home school at age 2, then finished undergraduate 14 months later. "I'm willy happy that I can come wook  at Gweendale," said Howard. "It's my fewst job...

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Greendale's Next Popular Study Group Member Round 1 Results

Yesterday's highly anticipated round 1 competition is finished. Many Greendale students found their hopes dashed as only eight competitors out of nearly 50 advanced to the second round. "I was scheduled to interview at the same time as an intermission was scheduled," complained Vicki. "Everyone had left the cafeteria, except Buddy, who was at a vending machine." While few were shocked that Magnitude advanced, there were a few surprises. Leonard Briggs managed a eighth place finish. "I don't even remember signing up," said Leonard. "I just stand in every line I find on campus because...

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Round 1 of Greendale's Next Popular Study Group Member Today

Popular Group Members at the "Next" Competition in 2009 Greendale's Popular Study Group is holding tryouts for a member and the competition begins today. At 1:30 PM today, after the lunch rush, the cafeteria will be transformed into competition central. Any interested applicant is encouraged to try out. This year's competition is about more than popularity, though. "This year we're really looking for a well rounded individual. Yeah, they have to be extremely cool, but they also have to be really...

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Power Restored

Power has been restored to Greendale Community College. The Greendale Community College Martin Luther King Day Blues Festival will take place as scheduled in the Gymnasio-Concert Hall. The African American Student Union's Reenactment of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" Speech , presented by Magnitude, has been moved to Parking Lot C. Students with Lot C permits are asked to occupy as little of the Parking Lot C as possible until the Reenactment is over and refrain from sitting in their cars and playing music at unreasonable leve...

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Power Outage Strikes Campus, Article Written By iTouch

Campus was dark yesterday as an unexplained power outage struck Greendale. Twitter was atweet with tweets about not being able to see anything except phone screens. Many students with wifi only devices were unable connect to voice their opinions. "How is anyone going to know what I have to say if I can't get on twitter, post to my blog, or add a video to my youtube channel?" complained longtime Greendale student Leonard Briggs. "Can I use your iphone when you're done with it?" Dean Pelton rushed to campus from a "costume party" when the power went out. He is in a fish suit. I wish this thing...

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Mysterious, Red Phone Booth Sited; Many Unaware That Phones Came in Booths

Several students have spotted a strange red "phone booth" around campus. For our younger readers, a phone booth is a small box that contains a non-cellular phone which can be used to make phone calls for a small fee. The first reported sighting was outside the library. The second sighting was next to the statute of Luis Guzmon. One kitchen worker reported seeing the phone booth in the dry store room; however, by the time officers arrived on the scene the booth had been mov...

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Ex-Professor, Current Student Ben Chang Promoted.

The Greendale Community College Police Force is proud to announce the promotion of Officer Benjamin Chang to the rank of Senior Detective. Senior Detective Chang will head up the crime division of the GDCCCPF and author the Police Blotte...

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Inaugural Online Edition

Welcome Human-Beings, to inaugural online edition of Greendale Weekly; your number one source for everything going on here at Greendale Community College. Here in the headlines section, you will find news articles written by your fellow Human-Beings, about fellow Human-Beings and anything else that might be going on in the world of Greendale. Wondering who got caught selling weed behind the library or if anyone was selling their Green Daye tickets? The online edition also includes a Señior Detective Chang's Police Blotter and Greendale Classified, along with words of wisdom from Dean Pelt...

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