Greendale Welcomes Newest, Youngest Faculty Member: Dougie Howard

Dean Pelton announced that the Numerology and Statistics Department would be getting a new faculty member; recent MIT (Montana Institute of Technology) doctoral graduate Dougie Howard. "Professor Howard brings star power and pizzazz to the Numerology and Statistics Department and to Greendale as a whole."

Professor Howard is a mild celebrity for being the youngest doctoral graduate in U.S. History at age 5. Howard graduated from home school at age 2, then finished undergraduate 14 months later. "I'm willy happy that I can come wook  at Gweendale," said Howard. "It's my fewst job since gwaduating, but I think I can willy contwibute."

Next semester Professor Howard will be teaching "The Predictive Power of Numbers." It will be offered Monday and Wednesday from 3:00 PM - 5:00 PM with an hour break for nap time.

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Greendale's Next Popular Study Group Member Round 1 Results

Yesterday's highly anticipated round 1 competition is finished. Many Greendale students found their hopes dashed as only eight competitors out of nearly 50 advanced to the second round.

"I was scheduled to interview at the same time as an intermission was scheduled," complained Vicki. "Everyone had left the cafeteria, except Buddy, who was at a vending machine."

While few were shocked that Magnitude advanced, there were a few surprises. Leonard Briggs managed a eighth place finish. "I don't even remember signing up," said Leonard. "I just stand in every line I find on campus because usually there is free food at the end of it."

Only Leonard wasn't surprised that at the end of the line contestants were treated to Starburns' special recipe fried chicken. "They provided SFC? I thought that'd be reserved for finalists only. Special study the dopeness," said Contestant Pavel Iwaszkiewicz."

Next week will be round 2, where the contestants will face-off one on one based on their seeding yesterday.

1st Seed: Magnitude
2nd Seed: Regular Neil
3rd Seed: Quendra
4th Seed: Mike Chilada
5th Seed: Eric Wisniewski 
6th Seed: Annie Kim
7th Seed: Paige
8th Seed: Leonard Briggs

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Round 1 of Greendale's Next Popular Study Group Member Today

Popular Group Members at the "Next" Competition in 2009

Greendale's Popular Study Group is holding tryouts for a member and the competition begins today. At 1:30 PM today, after the lunch rush, the cafeteria will be transformed into competition central.

Any interested applicant is encouraged to try out. This year's competition is about more than popularity, though. "This year we're really looking for a well rounded individual. Yeah, they have to be extremely cool, but they also have to be really smart," said popular group member Starburns. "We are a study group, after all, and the winner is going to have to able to do studying well. Also, being attractive is pretty important. Make sure you print my name as Alex Osbourne if you print this."

Popular Group Member Buddy claims victory in 2009

"I'm really looking forward to seeing the female applicants this year," said Buddy. "Right now there's only one female in the group and I feel like there is an imbalance.

When polled, the student body believed that Magnitude was the clear front-runner. "Pop Pop," said Magnitude when asked to comment. "Really though, I'm excited for people to see that's there more to me than just a magnetic attitude and a catch phrase. For example, did you know I'm originally from the U.K.?"

Dark Horse contestant, Vicki had already started making her case in the court of popular opinion. "I've been a paid bar dancer, I ran for student body president, why will no one notice me? Do I really need a catchphrase for people to take me seriously?"

After the conclusion of Round 1 today, Greendale Weekly will print profiles of the remaining contestants in anticipation of Round 2 next week.

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Power Restored

Power has been restored to Greendale Community College. The Greendale Community College Martin Luther King Day Blues Festival will take place as scheduled in the Gymnasio-Concert Hall. The African American Student Union's Reenactment of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" Speech , presented by Magnitude, has been moved to Parking Lot C. Students with Lot C permits are asked to occupy as little of the Parking Lot C as possible until the Reenactment is over and refrain from sitting in their cars and playing music at unreasonable levels.

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Power Outage Strikes Campus, Article Written By iTouch

Campus was dark yesterday as an unexplained power outage struck Greendale. Twitter was atweet with tweets about not being able to see anything except phone screens. Many students with wifi only devices were unable connect to voice their opinions. "How is anyone going to know what I have to say if I can't get on twitter, post to my blog, or add a video to my youtube channel?" complained longtime Greendale student Leonard Briggs. "Can I use your iphone when you're done with it?"

Dean Pelton rushed to campus from a "costume party" when the power went out. He is in a fish suit. I wish this thing had a working flash. "I want to assure students that power will be restored in a timely manner. I am currently waiting for a callback from a customer service manager, which should come in the next four hours. Then it is just a matter of waiting for the technicians to come into work tomorrow morning and find the service order, and then come out and fix the problem."

Many students attempted to enter the Air Conditioning Annex, which retained power thanks to several backup generators, but were turned away by Vice Dean Laybourne. "Admittance to the Air Conditioning Annex is open only to students and faculty of the Air Conditioning Annex" he said before re-locking the door.

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Mysterious, Red Phone Booth Sited; Many Unaware That Phones Came in Booths

Several students have spotted a strange red "phone booth" around campus. For our younger readers, a phone booth is a small box that contains a non-cellular phone which can be used to make phone calls for a small fee. The first reported sighting was outside the library. The second sighting was next to the statute of Luis Guzmon. One kitchen worker reported seeing the phone booth in the dry store room; however, by the time officers arrived on the scene the booth had been moved.

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Ex-Professor, Current Student Ben Chang Promoted.

The Greendale Community College Police Force is proud to announce the promotion of Officer Benjamin Chang to the rank of Senior Detective. Senior Detective Chang will head up the crime division of the GDCCCPF and author the Police Blotter.

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Inaugural Online Edition

Welcome Human-Beings, to inaugural online edition of Greendale Weekly; your number one source for everything going on here at Greendale Community College. Here in the headlines section, you will find news articles written by your fellow Human-Beings, about fellow Human-Beings and anything else that might be going on in the world of Greendale. Wondering who got caught selling weed behind the library or if anyone was selling their Green Daye tickets? The online edition also includes a Señior Detective Chang's Police Blotter and Greendale Classified, along with words of wisdom from Dean Pelton.

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